how can you be a mother if you're still just a girl?

who will mother you if you're busy mothering someone else?

young women and the curious case of the missing children

never meet your heros. this is an adage about the inevitable disappointment that comes with meeting one’s heros and them letting you down in some shape or form.

recently, i came across a series of articles that highlighted some remarks naomi campbell recently said about motherhood. she shared her theory that young women who have decided not to have children will eventually change their minds. to the point of those who factor in the rising costs of living into their decision to never have children (or delay their arrival), naomi stated, "i understand economically it is tough. but my mum had nothing and she made it work."

naomi’s statement has twin aspects worth emphasizing: that young women who have decided to be child-free will change their minds later on and that young women who are uncertain about having children due to their financial instability should do so regardless.

it bears mentioning that naomi had her first child at 51 via surrogacy.

the importance of this fact comes in when one understands that, historically, childbirth always posed a mortal threat to women. indeed, “the risk of women dying in childbirth in the 1920s and 1930s was still as high as it had been just after queen victoria came to the throne in the 1850s.”¹ in contemporary times, maternal mortality remains a feature of childbirth. within the united states, maternal mortality has increased among every age group with the greatest relative increases being among women aged 25 to 29 as well as those aged 30 to 34 years old.² considering the fact that medical professionals define “geriatric pregnancy” as those that occur when the expectant mother will deliver when she is 35 years old, the young women naomi is addressing with her statement on motherhood are those that fit squarely into the demographic that has experienced the greatest increase in maternal mortality rate. if we analyze this situation through the lens of race, on top of the perspective of biological sex, we see that the maternal mortality rate among black women in the united states is the highest among any other racial group.

although it is often said that money cannot buy happiness, money does afford one the opportunity to acquire access to resources that bring happiness. say, a safe and clean hospital where one can deliver their child with minimal risks. that said, outliers exist. take serena willimas’ experience after the birth of her first child for example:

“on sept. 2, the day after giving birth to her daughter via cesarean section, ms. [serena] williams was having trouble breathing and ‘immediately assumed she was having another pulmonary embolism,’ the [vogue] article says.

she alerted a nurse to what she felt was happening in her body and asked for a ct scan and a blood thinner, but the nurse suggested that pain medication had perhaps left ms. williams confused, according to vogue. ms. williams insisted, but a doctor instead performed an ultrasound of her legs.

‘i was like, a doppler? i told you, i need a ct scan and a heparin drip,” ms. williams, 36, said she told the medical team.

when the ultrasound revealed nothing, she underwent a ct scan, which showed several small blood clots in her lungs. she was immediately put on the heparin drip. “i was like, listen to dr. williams!” she told the doctors.”³

so, if a woman as famous and as wealthy as serena could experience a life-threatening incident during her first childbirth experience, where does that leave the rest of us? young women who are not as famous, not as wealthy, and perhaps not as willing to assert our will and insist that something is, in fact, wrong and save our life as a result?

if money cannot buy happiness, nor, ceteris paribus, can it ensure that we survive the birth of our children, perhaps naomi is right. perhaps we young women should have children even if we are not financially ready and figure it out after the fact. as it seems money does not make a dent in the reality of childbirth anyways. perhaps.

but the elephant in this conversation is what it means for us as young women to be emotionally ready to be mothers.

mothering and fathering are the dual dynamics of being a parent. parenthood is the state of rearing children into self-sufficient people. the hope is that our children will grow up and establish their own dreams and these dreams will be of service to both them and their communities. at least, that’s my hope.

in order to raise such darling individuals we have to be willing to perform the emotional labor that comes with being fully present, in all ways, in the life of another. and we must be willing to take the responsibility that comes with helping someone, in all ways, navigate the world as they discover who, what, how, and why they are.

imagine if you’ve never done this exercise for yourself. the labor of discovering who you are, not only as a person but as a woman. if you are to teach someone how to do the same so that they may spread their wings, would it not behoove you to do it for yourself first?

naomi began modeling at 15. before the arrival of her first child, she had 36 years to discover who, what, how, and why she is. although she is advising us to not take all the time in the world before we have children, perhaps we should follow her example and not her words.

follow naomi’s example, and wait until you are ready before you have children.

wait until you have a decades-long career where your success can simply not be denied. wait until you are considered a pioneer within our industry. wait until you are the standard by which generations of younger women look up to when moodboarding their future careers as glamorous, independent women. wait until you have an $80 million dollar net worth. wait until you are (like) naomi campbell.

do as mother does, not as mother says.

toni morrison and the valiant and vicious mothers

even if we do not birth children, we can still be mothers. mothering is state of tending to something from infancy to maturity. in this way, we can mother ourselves as we develop as actualized adults. as we endure the pleasure-pain of becoming.

toni morrison remains my greatest literary inspiration. i remember being in ap literature when the teacher asked the class if we, too, would do what sethe did in beloved. that is to say, if we, too, would take our children’s life if it meant they would not bear the burden of growing up as slaves in american chattel slavery. i was the only student who answered yes. if this had anything to do with the fact that i was the only black, female student present, i can’t be sure. but that moment always sticks out to me. i understood then what i understand now: motherhood is life and death.

despite her haunting portrayal of the responsibility of motherhood in beloved, toni always spoke of motherhood as a positive experience. in an interview with bill moyers, she said:

“there was something so valuable about what happened when one became a mother. for me it was the most liberating thing that ever happened to me. . . liberating because the demands that children make are not the demands of a normal ‘other.’ the children’s demands on me were things that nobody ever asked me to do. to be a good manager. to have a sense of humor. to deliver something that somebody could use. and they were not interested in all the things that other people were interested in, like what i was wearing or if i were sensual. . . somehow all of the baggage that i had accumulated as a person about what was valuable just fell away. i could not only be me — whatever that was — but somebody actually needed me to be that. . . if you listen to [your children], somehow you are able to free yourself from baggage and vanity and all sorts of things, and deliver a better self, one that you like. the person that was in me that i liked best was the one my children seemed to want.”

when you become a mother, you’re birthing two people. your child and the version of yourself that will forever be changed by the presence of this child. to place someone else's needs above your own is the selfless act motherhood necessities. thus, the reality of the seismic shift that occurs when we become cannot be emphasized enough.

i think often of my own mother. she spent her twenties being both mom and wife. when did she have time to be her? sans child. sans husband. in her teens, she was a daughter raised in a culture that emphasized the maternal nature of female children so she was always tending to her younger siblings. when did she have time to be her? sans the perpetual role play of being “like a mom.”

societally, women’s identities are often tethered to our status in the lives of others. especially men. as their wives, girlfriends, and at times, mistresses. or to children. as their caretakers. as to our family as daughter, sister, or cousin. when do we take the time to be by ourselves? to do the work of discovering who we are? sans the commitment of being responsible for the life, or happiness, of another?

ideally, we take this time when we have it most: in our twenties.

before becoming a mother to another. mother yourself first. this way, when you arrive at the responsibilities of motherhood where you’ll experience the joys of watching someone become who they were always meant to be, you’ll be ready. emotionally, and, hopefully, financially too.

sweet dreams,

a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: taking your twenties seriously and pursuing your dreams. fully and totally.

truth: enjoying your youth. and enjoying the era we are fortunate to be young adults in! one where being in your twenties and creating a thriving business is possible! one where being a writer online is a career! one where anything is possible!

dare: do i even have to type it? i know you know what not to do.

1. irvine london. july 2000. “maternal mortality in the past and its relevance to developing countries today.” volume 72, issue 1. the american journal of clinical nutrition.

2. kristin samuelson. march 2024. “U.S. maternal death rate increasing at an alarming rate.” northwestern now.

3. maya salam. january 2018. “for serena williams, childbirth was a harrowing ordeal. she’s not alone.” the new york times.