it's time to kill your inner child
your inner child isn't running the show, you are
i once read that opportunities in life are fractional doorways. one moment leads to another and another and another and another. the swiftness upon which your life can change has a sweetness to it. a tangy-cherry-tartness that swirls in your mouth when you realize your old life was eons ago. if not 15. if not 5. years, or months, it matters not. that was then and this is now.
i’ve never been one to exist in the moment fully. i am always dreaming up some scheme of how to make my future better. always preoccupied with what i have to do now to make the later just as i envision it. this served me well in childhood. it’s what allowed me to be accepted by harvard. but now, it’s a hinderance. it often is the case that what got you where you are, won’t be the same tactic that will get you where you want to be. so it goes.
in my early childhood, i decided i wanted to study at harvard when the time came for me to attend college. once i achieved this dream, i went back to the journals of my 14 years old self to find more dreams to accomplish, more wisdom to follow, but i all i found was the musings of a high schooler determined to have everything she ever wanted. and at the time, that was harvard.
a decade later, i’ve learned to stop seeking my future in my past. for all her ingenuity, my 14 year old self was notoriously horrible at existing in the present fully. at making her little moments big. so, there’s nothing new for me to learn from her anymore. the newness will come from me, now. and for all my anxiety, occasional self-doubt, and fleeting self-sabotaging tendencies (which is never a chic look), i’ve done alright.
the secret to my early twenties has been fractional doorways. always embracing a new opportunity as it comes. when the man who would become my boyfriend asked me, “is this a date?” i didn't say necessarily say “yes”, but i did allow the night to unfold in such a way that “yes” was the inevitable answer. and that’s the beauty to fractional doorways, they always lead to an inevitable end.
i liken this to my journey in art. i went from checking out books on the history of the art world and the status of collectors in the 21st century art market to patronizing a museum to visiting the home of a trustee whose collection i had read about in a book i randomly stumbled upon at the public library a week after i moved post graduation. all of this started because, during my senior year, three separate people on two separate occasions asked me, “have you read this book? you’d really enjoy it.” and to widener library i went. did i know it would lead me to having an early morning walkthrough preview of christie’s contemporary collection before it went for sale during the spring auctions? no. but that’s the power of fractional doorways. it always leads you to where you want to be.
you say yes. you decide to allow the moment to unfold. and before you know it, you’re in love. in awe. in a brand new social milieu with likeminded people.
so, today, and everyday hereafter. say yes. again. and again. and then once more.
sweet dreams,
a diouana woman
p.s. truth or dare
i am beginning a new section in my nightly posts titled truth or dare. it’s a simple curated list of ideas and items i’ve engaged with today that i loved and am sharing with you. the truths were 10/10, so i must recommend. and the dares were not so great, so it’s me saying don’t do it. but only if you dare. get it? great. let’s begin:
truth: committing to the moment, fully and totally.
truth: watching pixar classics with your young family members.
dare: living in the past. obviously.