let men be men, and let women have fun

enjoyment is the essence of life

bravo, as a television channel, has given us a lot. maybe too much. but in a world of excess, is there really such a thing as too much?

diouana women always have fun

i am forever indebted to bravo for its real housewives programming as it introduced me to a handful of women whose lack of concern for privacy over trivial, and sometimes profound, matters has allowed me to learn from women much older, much wealthier, and much more audacious than me. and for that, we raise our flutes.

we’ve talked about becoming young women who get what they want in the game of life. tonight i want to discuss women who are already on the other side: women who already have what they want.

i believe this to be an important conversation because i find that what gets lost in all this talk of ambition and success is the importance of having fun. not just having fun, but being fun. not just being fun, but continuing to have fun when people underestimate or disregard you. a fun that comes from genuinely not concerning yourself with the opinions of others.

what is ambition, success, and wealth worth to you, if you are crippled by the opinions of others? especially those who did not help you build what you have now?

i’ll always hearken back to matthew 16:26, “for what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?”

it’s important to be ambitious in life. i believe it is your birthright to be successful. just choose an appropriate path and wealth will follow. but none of that is worth your soul as a consequence. if the price is anything other than discipline (read: focus), don’t pay it. it’s the wrong path for you. i will never encourage you to dorian gray your way to success.

how this relates to fun, is what i said in my essay on the wisdom of whores: if you’re not principally concerned with people taking you seriously, you can focus on having fun.

there are many ways to do this. and in order to find the way that works best for you, it’s imperative that you answer this question: “what side of the equation do i want to be on?”

this is a question that swirled in my head for days, months, and years after i graduated college. i couldn’t decide if i wanted to be an independent art advisor whose clients include private equity tycoons like my glamorous older friend, or if i wanted to be an auctioneer / business development specialist at christie’s who raises half a billion dollars for charity throughout my career like my other glamorous older friend, or if i wanted to become a woman who creates an institutionally relevant art collection, with an accompanying private museum (that is very much open to the public) focused on female artists, like the iconic polish businesswoman grazyna kulczyk.

upon further reflection, and more life experience, both personal and professional, i decided to go the grazyna kulczyk route. because i decided on the most capital intensive path, it means i must be incredibly financially successful. and that necessities strategy, work ethic, confidence, and favor from the gods. but i am a jyeshta nakshatra after all, so i have a head start. astrologically speaking, if you believe in that sort of thing. i certainly do, especially considering that the top astrological moon placement for billionaires, per claire nakti’s research, is jyestha. this is also my moon placement. again, a girl’s got to have her belief system. no matter how esoteric.

one might think that to come from “nothing” and achieve more than your wildest dreams is impossible, but that’s not how i choose to view the prism of life.

i choose the side of the equation (aka the money / client side) that made the most sense for me. not from a realistic perspective, but from an audacious one. i’m a firm believer that only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.

once you’ve achieved the impossible, you no longer have to “prove” yourself because you’ve already done so to the person that matters most: you. now you can just have fun. in as gaudy and as tacky as a manner as you want. why? because this is your world. you make the rules.

an ode to women who show up in $3 million dollar necklaces for 10a fashion shows

there’s an interesting trend in luxury retail where the bulk of revenue comes from a concentrated minority of just a few key shoppers. around 2% is what trade reports have declared. as such, these few generate more than 40% of sales for brands such as chanel, hermès, and louis vuitton. this is why, during the covid pandemic, we saw the raise of prices across the accessories category, typically the entry level products for new customers into a brand and the one existing customers return to season after season.

so, in an era of economic regression within the industry, where even aspirational shoppers are no longer filling up their net-a-porter carts, ultra luxury brands have turned all their focus on those 2% of shoppers who make up 40% of their sales. their “very important clients.”

one would think that ultra luxury brands, in dire straits given the current economic conditions, would be grateful for these shoppers as their annual $100,000+ shopping sprees keep their lights on and ensure payroll gets paid. but no. instead, these ultra luxury brands take, at times, a pejorative stance towards these “very important clients” who ensure their bills get paid on time.

but don’t take my word for it, let’s examine the evidence:

“the difference between a vic and a regular c starts, obviously enough, with how much you spend…ahead of a runway show, the sales associate says their clients typically spend around $60,000 buying new outfits for a few days of events in paris or milan. only the trendiest pieces from the latest collections will do, usually preordered days after the most recent collections debut. the point is to wear something nobody else has while nailing the latest trends…

‘these women show up in $3 million necklaces at a 10 a.m. fashion show — it’s fabulous,’ says the new york stylist. quiet luxury, a recently popularized term for a wasp-coded, low-key, logo-free approach to dressing, isn’t interesting to today’s front-row vic set — at least outside the office. (if they go to an office.) ‘it’s not youthful,’ one veteran stylist tells me. ‘there’s no sex appeal in it; there’s no glamour in it. there’s no currency in that communication.’

and this market’s make-a-splash tastes matter. chanel has fallen out of favor among many of the vics since karl lagerfeld died in 2019 and his longtime deputy, virginie viard, took over — competently but without much sparkle. ‘none of my clients have purchased chanel since virginie,’ says the new york–based stylist. ‘it’s just not interesting to most people.’ although chanel’s overall sales remain high — reaching $20 billion in 2023 — viard was forced out in june. until her successor is named, some clients are wary of buying…

others are rooting for daniel roseberry. his provocative and surrealist schiaparelli drives the vic set wild. ‘it’s bolder and more unique than most other brands,’ says nolan meader, an image consultant and stylist. the majority of his clients are vics…what my clients…were telling me is ‘i don’t buy chanel ready-to-wear anymore; i’m going to buy schiaparelli,’’ says thibault brière descors, a paris-based stylist and vic consultant.

a paradox of the vic world is that no matter how much you spend, you can sometimes still be treated high-handedly. it is rare, but it happens: this is fashion, after all, and there is sometimes a feeling that just because someone can afford to buy it, it doesn’t mean they know how to wear it. ‘the customer driving global luxury is quite tacky in a lot of cases, and no one really admits it,’ says a fashion investor.

brands can’t completely control what clients look like or what they wear. but it’s clear they are watching and judging. whenever she goes to a fashion event, park wears the host label ‘from top to toe,’ she says. ‘that, in my opinion, is etiquette.’

not everybody is so astute.

‘everyone is trying to upstage each other. we try to make sure they don’t go too over the top,’ says the sales associate, who remembered when a vic arrived at a runway show wearing a competitor’s logo. ‘everybody talked about it. we couldn’t get her to change her mind — she didn’t give a fuck.’

the vic sales associate told me about the time a creative director asked that a front-row client not be invited back to the runway show. ‘she overdid the makeup; the ponytail was too high,’ says the salesperson. on top of that, ‘this was before ozempic, so she was a little heavier.’ it didn’t matter that the client had spent nearly a million dollars shopping at the brand; the designer felt it wasn’t worth the damage she was doing to its image at its most visible seasonal event. (the client took her business elsewhere.)

‘having money isn’t enough anymore. you have to embody what the brand wants people to see,’ says meader.

…several sources say the italian brands, especially the ones still controlled by their top designers, like armani and dolce & gabbana, are the best at high-end-clientele–ing. ‘nobody does it better than the italians — they understand what it feels like to create a community,’ says meader. alta moda, dolce’s multiday destination couture show, is among the most coveted invites in the vic world. july’s edition, on the coast of sardinia, opened with a performance by christina aguilera and closed with one by katy perry. each night was an opportunity to wear an elaborate dolce gown. one evening was exclusively dedicated to the brand’s pricey new jewelry collection.

the fashion-industry investor tells me alta moda appeals because it is less stuck-up than some of the high-profile french events and clients can more easily mix in with celebrity and influencer guests. usually, at a fashion show, the editors sit together in one area, the celebrities in another, and the clients in another. but at alta moda, everyone can mix. ‘you’re mingling with bryanboy,’ he says.

like any elite pursuit with social signaling at its core, the vic lifestyle requires not just money but tremendous time and, increasingly, expert assistance.

kristin dodson smith, a los angeles–based stylist, says that many of her clients view their status as front-row shoppers as ‘a job or an extreme hobby.’ she uses a client of hers who loves valentino as an example. after each ready-to-wear show, they visit the showroom. together, they choose what she’ll wear to the next show and what she’ll wear to parties and fund-raisers in the months ahead. then the clothing arrives back home in dallas or miami and dodson smith oversees fittings and tailoring. ‘it is very task-oriented, and a lot of the women who look at it like that are very social,’ she says.

i included this excerpt from the cut’s article because i wanted to lay bare that what lies at the core of the fashion industry’s silent contempt for the women that can actually afford their “absurd” prices are assumptions of hierarchy.

within the excerpt, there are several quotes i want to highlight as clear evidence of these assumptions of hierarchy.

first, you have the sales person relating the fact that the creative director of a brand, which in fashion terms is second only to the ceo or corporate owner of the brand, disavowed a paying customer, a so called “very important client,” for the fact that her high ponytail, overdone makeup, and “pre-ozempic” body (again, the assumption here by the sales person is that this woman would actually be on ozempic) were not aligned with the so-called aesthetics of the brand.

now, i am all for a victoria secret’s-esque aesthetic. you know i am. what i am not for, however, is shaming a woman who pays my bills.

and even if she didn’t pay my bills, i do not believe in assumptions of hierarchy. and a lot of these ultra luxury brands, in selling their fantasy, silently, and at times, loudly, assume a hierarchy where only the skinniest, most “elite,” prettiest women can reign.

and sometimes that’s true. and sometimes that’s not.

but the most important thing in the anecdote shared in the cut’s article, is that we should all be like that high ponytail-wearing, overdone makeup’d woman. and take our one million dollar shopping spree budget somewhere else should we be shamed for showing up how we want to show up.

never allow someone, or some entity, such as a fashion brand, shame you into existing in their image. exist in your own image. one that you have cultivated from your interests and your taste.

“bad taste” is still taste.

and as we live in a dearth, a fucking death valley, of personal taste, my stance on the matter will always be long live tackiness!

now, the lack of not-giving-a-fuckness among young women when it comes to our reaction towards the ways in which institutionalized actors, such as fashion brands or magazine covers and spreads, try to pygmalion us into their restricted image-making legitimately breaks my heart.

and i find this genuine lack of not-giving-a-fuckness when i see young women ask, misguided questions such as “am i hot enough for a good life?” instead of just taking their business (aka their attention) elsewhere.

if this is you, and i love you, so please excuse my brashness, but you’re asking the wrong question. the question is never, “am i hot enough for a good life?” that is not the question you should be asking. what you ought to be asking yourself is, “do i even want to be hot, and if so, what does that look like for me?”

the latter question, that being “do i even want to be hot, and if so, what does that look like for me?” is a far more interesting question than the “am i hot enough for a good life?” question, because it puts power, and agency, back into your hands. and the more you train yourself to flip every situation you find yourself in, especially one that seems to ask you to change yourself, in your favor, the better your life will be. this is a skill. and like any skill, you just simply have to cultivate it in order to master it.

self-made fantasy is your white whale. you need to focus on being the cam girl of your dreams. not anyone else’s. that is how you’ll win. not by getting on ozempic (unless you want to), not by toning down your makeup (unless you want to), or undoing your ponytail (unless you want to).

train yourself as a woman to do the things you actually want to do in life. snobby fashion insiders be damned.

the second quote that i’d like to deconstruct from the article is the quib about there being no currency in the communication of “quiet luxury.”

as a young woman raised by the 2010s bombshells, including, of course, the victoria’s secret angels, i rejoiced when i read this comment. personal taste aside, this comment is an interesting sociological one because he’s right: there is no glamour, sex appeal, or youthfulness in so called “quiet luxury.” it’s about being subtle, not standing out, and wearing a color palette that is overly beige.

plus, quiet luxury is oxymoronic because there’s nothing quiet about a $1,750 t-shirt or having your all three of your wedding dresses custom made by chanel. there’s nothing quiet about these things.

and it’s interesting that the article noted that it’s schiaparelli’s surrealist fever dreams that draws not only the attention, but patronage, of women who spend upwards of millions on fashion annually. to me, not only is this a clear sign that so called quiet luxury is not only a trend among the segment of the luxury consumer base that cannot actual afford luxury, with its annual price hikes, but that what matters most is not a beige color palette to signal heritage or wealth, but creativity. fun. an expression of the soul. like the article said, the italians seem to understand this more than the french, and it reflects in the way they create community amongst these women, who, again, pay their bills. the italians don’t segregate based off job title or fashion insider-outsider status like the french. the purpose of these clienteling ought be to shame high-paying customers, whom they refer to as the “very important clients",” for not aligning with the brand due to their preferred aesthetics or separating the editors from the celebrities from the vics, but to have fun. one spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on clothes and bags and jewelry because they think it’s fun. there’s a thrill. the reward for that thrill shouldn’t be getting fatshamed.

the focus should always be on having fun. not being told what to do by people who have no fiduciary duty towards you nor are responsible for bankrolling your life.

have fun, and don’t be shamed while doing it.

self rejection is part of the reason why you’re not having fun

i wrote earlier in this essay that i will never encourage you to dorian gray your way to success. by this, i mean that success should not come at the expense of your soul. self-betrayal is not the beginning of your dream life. it’s the end of it.

self-betrayal does not come as this seismic event where you recognize that you’ve betrayed yourself. often, it comes from the allowance of things—situations, or dynamics—that you swore you’d never allow. that’s what self-betrayal often looks like.

what dorian graying your way to success looks like is making a pact, unconsciously or consciously, with the universe in which you exchange a certain aspect of your happiness for another. and oftentimes, this really isn’t a pact in the ritualistic sense, but a pact by way of limiting beliefs. for example, you could say to yourself that the money you desire can only come at the expense of true and real love. so you choke out any signs of love if the money you seek seems to be missing. or, you could believe that the men you actually want don’t want someone like you. so, you settle. for someone you know is not truly your match. these are the ways in which we can make pacts with the universe by not realizing it.

remember, carl jung said that until the subconscious becomes conscious, it will rule our life and we will call it fate.

until we embrace what it is we truly what in life; until we honor our desires by not burying them; until we acknowledge where we veered off our path; we’ll be doomed to not realize our actual dreams. just the realistic ones we thought we more suitable given the circumstances of our lives when we drafted them.

how this relates to having fun, or being fun, is that when you force yourself to be unequivocal about who, what, how, and why you are, it makes it damn near impossible for other people to weaponize their beliefs against you. you won’t walk through life apologizing for who you are. this frees you up to simply enjoy the moments as they come.

when you don’t shy away from the absurdity of your deepest desires, you’re well on your way to making it inevitable. now, the path in which you take to get there might look different than what you had imagined, but the path is there.

and that’s the power in honoring yourself and your desires. this is very important. almost life and death. i’m not being hyperbolic.

it’s a death sentence to live a life you do not want. let alone deserve. that’s sad. and more than that, it’s maddening. to know that you could very well have what you want. if only you acknowledged it. went after it.

now, you may not “succeed” in a metric sense. but you will succeed in a spiritual one.

remember, the god of war hates those who hesitate. why? because he has no time for them.

if you want the gods on your side, you need to bring attention to your cause. in order to do that, you have to honor your case. you do so by making it almost holy. by ritualizing it.

let’s say, it would be fun for you to be one of those “skinny” women those fashion snobs like so much, to the disdain of everyone else. to ritualize this, you need a routine you do every day, or almost every day, without fail. either it’s a gym appearance or a nutritious homemade meal for one, if not all, of your meals. you need a dedicated, repeated, action that you do with the explicit intention of becoming one of those “skinny” women. and after some time in doing so, aphrodite will take notice of your cause.

she won’t necessarily notice you becoming slimmer. being plumb herself, she actually doesn't care about that. what she likes, however, is women who like themselves. enough to change whatever it is they want changed. that is what catches her eye.

so, do not deny yourself your desires. no matter how absurd, unrealistic, or “sad”, they may seem. that doesn't matter. what matters is that you take yourself seriously enough to follow through on your pursuits. that takes guts. and it’s this self-anchored confidence that will allow you to show up on this earth exactly as you want. ozempic or no ozempic. ponytail or no ponytail. clean girl makeup aesthetic or kim kardashion circa 2015.

you have one very short life. don’t live it denying yourself what you actually want.

live free. work hard. have fun. that’s the diouana woman way.

sweet dreams,

a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: fun is an important aspect of life. you can work towards success and have fun every step of the way.

dare: self-betrayal. do not give up on yourself.