when you're both wife and mistress
a union that bears the fruit of a life well-played
this nightcap is extra special because it was requested by my lovely subscriber, mischa. i write for her, and every women who inspires me.
the cycle that never stops
although he’s one of the most treacherous villains in shakespeare’s literary universe, santiago is also one of the most patient characters in all of the bard’s plays. this, and this alone, we can all learn from.
i’ve written about patience being a tactic of war, in the corporate sense. in this essay, i’d like to revisit patience as a tactic of war, in the personal sense. it’s no secret that envy is a fact of life. and as we’ve discussed previously on this substack, diouana women use envy as fuel to push forward in life. we do not allow envy to become the thing that breaks our spirit. the stain that taints our character and edges us into becoming someone we no longer recognize. our envy should be used as a compass to navigate what we should aim for in life. after all, you would not be envious of something, or someone, another has if you did not care deeply about it. this is what it means to use envy as fuel.
there are seasons in life. as we know, everything functions in a loop. a circle. indeed, the heroine’s journey is the metaphysical manifestation of the ouroboros. the snake eating its own tail is the alchemical symbol for rebirth. and also death. in this way, as we transverse through our respective journeys as our own life’s heroine, we continuously give birth to ourselves. in order to do this, we must let go of who we once were. thus, killing our inner child, metaphorically speaking, is the first step towards our next self. why? because you’re rooting yourself in the here and now. not what was. because that was then, and this is now. so kill your past self to become your future one.
anything meaningful in life takes time. after all, rome was not built in one day. and although the book of genesis tell us that god created the earth in seven days, we are not the father himself. it will take a bit longer for us to realize our creations. that said, we should relish in this fact. when you have time, you can take your time. and time, coupled with attention to detail, is the recipe for a job well done.
just like god rested on the seventh day, after spending six creating, we, too, must take the occasional break to admire our efforts. creating our dream life requires effort. daily, nightly, weekly, monthly, and yearly effort. this can be an exhaustive exercise without rest. i must admit i’m not the best at truly relaxing as a tagline attributed to me by my friend group is, “if you’re not where you want to be in life, why are you at the club?”
patience is an outcome, not an input
effort is the wife of patience. perseverance is the mistress.
in shakespeare’s tragedy, santiago is a man deeply envious of his friend othello. othello is a handsome military commander whose wife, desdemona, santiago secretly desires. you know this story, even if you’ve never read this play. after all, there’s nothing new under the story.
as i stated above, there’s much to be learned from santiago. for santiago understands what few of us do. patience is a tactic of war. as such, patience is not an input, but an outcome. the gurus, alongside countless of self improvement books, will tell us that patience is all we need. but what does this mean? what does patience look like to those among us who feel behind in life? to those among us who are ready to exit our current season into the greener pastures of the next? what is patience to a diouana woman, she who so ardently creates her own luck?
patience is analogous to honey. slow and sweet. patience is the result of your efforts being multiplied by your perseverance. in my culture, it is said that the financial success of a husband is the direct result of the desires of his wife. in this way, she is an amplification to his efforts. napoleon bonaparte, one of history’s greatest generals, said that luck is a woman. for him, it was his wife, josephine1
norma shearer, the 1930s actress who made her mark playing spunky and spirited women, once told an interviewer, “what is a wife, but a good mistress?”2 wife and mistress are the same, but different. in this vein, effort and perseverance are different sides of the same metaphysical coin.
if confused, look no further than to santiago for guidance:
“how poor are they that have not patience! what wound did ever heal but by degrees? thou know'st we work by wit, and not by witchcraft; and wit depends on dilatory time…
othello, act 2, scene 3
dilatory time is the passage of events undeterred by a clock. to put it bluntly, the clock is stuck in a surrealist painting and only functions to poke fun at those obsessed with keeping track of it. once you let go of your obsession with time, time will lend itself to you. it’s a paradox, but so is life.
something santiago says in the play that is helpful to chew on as you preserve through your efforts (without much sight of success) is his warning that being early doesn't make you great:
“though other things grow fair against the sun, yet fruits that blossom first will first be ripe.”
othello, act 2, scene 3
you’re not behind, just like they’re not ahead
we as a western culture are obsessed with early success. if we’re not a founder of a multi-billion dollar brand / company / app by age 25, it means we failed. it doesn’t help that we are inundated with social media algorithms that keeps us stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-improvement that is conveniently fueled by consumerism to keep it going.
the sisyphusification of self-improvement is a sign of the times. so it goes.
that said, it is a battle cry for all diouana women to live life in the constant pleasure-pain of becoming. diouana women are masters at playing the game of life and the key to this game is tending to the beliefs you hold. not only of the world, but of yourself.
so, if you feel behind in life, for whatever reason, this is a belief that has sowed itself deep into your subconscious. once you recognize this belief, you must make it your mission to change it by neutralizing its impact on your psyche. remember that it is impossible for you to be behind in life. it’s simply not possible. you are currently in your own journey. the heroine slaying the beast in order to ascend to the next life. so play your own race, and focus on you.
the cycle you find yourself in now is the season you are meant to be in. once you master the skills of this season, you’ll be able to move onto the next. if you are questioning if you’ll ever receive the things you desire, the answer is that you will. you must simply become the person that has that which you desire.
how you do this is by being patient and trusting the process. at least that’s what the gurus say. but i’m no guru. so here’s my recommendation: be the wife and the mistress of patience. make continuous effort and unwavering perseverance your best friends.
after all. what is a wife, but a good mistress?
sweet dreams,
a diouana woman
he discloses this sentiment in letters detailed in josephine’s biography, “ambition and desire: the dangerous life of josephine bonaparte.”
this quote comes from the book, “complicated women: sex and power in pre-code hollywood.”