the mindset of women who get what they want
what do you, cleopatra, and joséphine bonapart have in common?
who even is a diouana woman?
sometime ago, i got into the habit of reading biographies on some of the most audacious and ambitious woman that have ever existed in history. in my reading, i discovered that these women all shared one common trait: each are a diouana woman.
i’ve already written what will be the introduction of the official diouana woman manifesto, coming to a public library near you in 2025, but i have yet to explicitly dissect what exactly constitutes a diouana woman. in this essay, i’ll rectify this. and, i’ll share with you some of the women from history whom i admire most for their singular victory in doing what millions of women throughout history were blocked from doing: receiving everything they wanted.
in the career retrospective i wrote about the internet’s first, and supreme, dating coach, shereseven, i made the point that although shera is not a hypergamist, despite countless young women watching her in pursuit of those aims, she is a woman well versed in the art of getting what she wants. because of this, and only this, i believe she is someone young women can glean wisdom from. and solely from the perspective of adopting a mindset that makes it harder for men, and society, to short charge you.
this mindset is important because it’s the same mindset joséphine bonapart, gabrielle chanel, cleopatra, wu zetian, and even catherine the great embodied that allowed them to build their respective empires. to the point of empress wu, she was the first and only female emperor of china. she got that honor by making bloody and treacherous decisions. but given the circumstances, it was the only way to go about maneuvering as a woman who sought power. not the trappings of power. pure, unadulterated power.1
the importance of tact, the necessity of patience, and the underratedness of emotional intelligence
tact, patience, and emotional intelligence are a diouana woman’s virtues. they may not be your code of conduct, or value system, in life, but they do serve as an excellent basis to build your own. or at the very least, decide how you show up in the life of others in the public life.
adopting a mindset of tact, patience, and emotional intelligence is hard. even in my own life, i consistently find myself in moments, and situations, where i must remind myself that there’s a way to act and there’s a way to simply not. mindset is the foundation of our behaviors because how we act is directed by what we believe we ought to be doing in this moment and time.
so, to have a mindset that is built upon tact, patience, and emotional intelligence is to direct yourself to act with supreme delicacy, thoughtfulness, and the understanding that everyone does not think like you.
to the point of tact, let’s discuss joséphine bonapart and what it means to have supreme delicacy. many do not know that joséphine was born in martinique and found her way to france through an arranged marriage. her first husband was an enlist bon vivant who thought joséphine unrefined, undignified, and a bit of a country simpleton. so he ignored her. humiliated her with his public infidelities. and left her alone at home to tend to their young children while he was a man about town.
joséphine did not allow this man who did not value her to ruin her life, her self esteem, or what she truly believed she deserved in this life. through a series of events and lucky breaks, many of which shera would sum up as “sprinkle sprinkle,” joséphine refined herself into a sophisticate and began running with a new crew of fabulously glamorous, if not bohemian (in the true, 18th century sense of the word) women. in these circles, she was introduced to the man that would introduce her to napoleon bonapart. it’s in her relationship with napoleon that we see joséphine’s tact as demonstrated by her supreme delicacy.
for starters, she made herself scarce. admittedly, she was actually attracted to napoleon when she agreed to marry him (this was back in the days where marriages were business agreements, not testaments of unconditional love), so being “gone” so to speak was more so a reprieve than it was a tactic of seduction. but it had the same effect, and that’s the important part. when did engage with napoleon she did so tactfully, graciously, and in a way that soothed his ego. and his ego was much, much taller than he was. and it worked. so much so that the archives are littered with love letters that napoleon wrote to joséphine, often in the battlefield, declaring his love.
to get a taste of napoleon’s complete infatuation, and obsession, with joséphine, just take a look at the sample below:
“i have not spent a day without loving you; i have not spent a night without clasping you in my arms; i have not drunk a cup of tea without cursing the glory and ambition which keep me from the heart of my very being. in the midst of my activities, whether at the head of my troops or inspecting the camps, my adorable joséphine stands alone in my heart, she occupies my mind and fills my thoughts. if i depart from you with the speed of the rushing rhone, it is only so that i may see you again more quickly. if i get up in the middle of the night to work, it is because this may hasten by some days the arrival of my sweet love. yet in your letter of the 23rd and of the 26th ventose, you address me as ‘vous’. ‘vous’ yourself! ah! wretched woman, how could you have written this letter? it is so cold…”
joséphine was rather cold to napoleon, and although it drove him crazy, he appreciate it precisely because it drove him crazy. now where joséphine messed up in all of this was not taking napoleon seriously as both a man and her husband. but that’s a story for another essay.
the critical point to take from joséphine is three fold: reinvent yourself as many times as you need to arrive at where you want to be; do not allow the early dismissals or prejudices of those around you to stop you (as toni morrison said, the chief function of racism is to serve as a distraction to stop you from doing the work that is creating your life); and never center a man in your life. you accomplish this by being tactful, aka being gracious in your social interactions with people, aka utilizing supreme delicacy when it comes to going after what you want by orchestrating the events that would lead to such an inevitable end.
in regards to the final point, another woman to take note of is cleopatra. history, and her disciples, like to remember cleopatra as a seductress. but really, she was a strategist. seduction was merely the means to the end. not the end itself. this is an important distinction. because what it means for us, as diouana women, is that we do not doll ourselves up nor create our own beauty standards for the consumption of others (read: men), but for our own aims. our own ambitions. whatever those may be. and they very well could be marriage, a boyfriend, or maybe even just a date. but, as your fellow diouana woman, i simply suggest you hunt bigger game. like your continuing education, crafting your dream career, and pursuing worthwhile philanthropic efforts. and if you do marry, marry the bank.2
in regards to hunting big game, cleopatra was a professional. what she mastered, well before she met marc anthony, was patience and emotional intelligence. this is what allowed her to master julius caesar because she was not focused on the man, necessarily, but her kingdom. her status as a sovereign. and her ability to remain in power. caesar was an ally in her pursuits. not her pursuit in and of itself. and that was what got him hooked on her. it also helps that she first met him by having her servants sneak her into his personal quarters, hiding her in a carpet. then roll her out so that she emerges from a sea of roses, perfumed with a scent that she knew (because what smart woman doesn’t do her own research?) were his favorite.
the actual audacity of a 21 year old queen to sneak her way into a 52 year old military superstar because she required his assistance to achieve her goals is the level of audacity you need to have in your own pursuits. albeit, tailored and structured to the circumstances, and rules of conduct, you currently find yourself in. but in every respect, audacity, ambition, and strategy win every game. even the game of life.
the ability to make an entrance, be remembered, and then leverage your memory by highlighting your presence through your absence3 is the beginning of any successful plot to get what you want. especially in the realm of your personal life. in your professional life, the strategy does look a bit different. but again, another topic for another essay.
so, do your research, be tactful in all your social engagements, maintain a high degree of emotional intelligence that is supported by your ability to be patient as nature takes its course and watch how life unfolds in such a way where you always get what you want.
this mindset is one of faith. one that allows you to win the game of life. so keep the faith in yourself and your abilities and leave the rest to god. after all, we can’t be all things to all men.
sweet dreams,
a diouana woman
p.s. truth or dare
i am beginning a new section in my nightly posts titled truth or dare. it’s a simple curated list of ideas and items i’ve engaged with today that i loved and am sharing with you. the truths were 10/10, so i must recommend. and the dares were not so great, so it’s me saying don’t do it. but only if you dare. get it? great. let’s begin:
truth: i just checked out this book from the public library. i’m beginning down a rabbit hole of black church + king james bible. so i also got this book. i will report to you my findings!
dare: lacking tact. you’d be surprised how much we can ruin our lives simply because we do not know how to act.
the difference between the trappings of power and true power, for women, deserves it’s own essay. if this is of interest to you, please comment on this essay and tell me so.
i am a frequent watcher of the real housewives. and a favorite housewives on the series is sonja morgan. and i remember this scene where she was talking to tinsley mortimer about something and in the midst of all of that, she just goes, “i married the bank.” and it remains one of the funniest moments in real housewives lore. i searched high and low to find the clip for you, but simply could not. you’ll just have to take my word for it. oh, and the reason why it’s funny that sonja morgan harps on about “marrying the bank” is because she married, and divorced, the great grandson of the man who started jp morgan chase bank. she literally married the bank.
one of my favorite quotes is, “absence is the highest form of presence.” make yourselves scarce babes!