the life you choose now is the life you live later

our lives are built on decisions, we shouldn't make them lightly

sometime ago, the quote “to choose a husband is to choose a life” embedded itself into my subconscious. since, the universe has sent me people, places, and things that only serve to solidify this sentiment.

in my heart exists a space solely for my female friends. there, an extra special space is reserved for my older female friends. i soak in all the wisdom they’re willing to impart because there’s a gravity to women who have lived multiple different lives and lived to share their tales. their triumphs, lessons, and regrets. all the messy bits of being a woman in this life.

recently, i shared a meal with a friend two decades my senior. she spoke to me of her daughter, their life, and her feelings around watching her power as a woman vanish. she told me how women have all the power when they’re younger. “like you,” she quipped. whereas older women watch as the power shift to their male counterparts. listening to her, i thought of men like leo dicarpio. whom, to me, is not a serious man. but being a young woman out and about in a big city has taught me that very few men on this earth are serious. so, perhaps leo’s not at fault. just kidding.

few men i’ve encountered have taken me seriously as a human, let alone as a woman. my opinions, ambitions, and preferences they know not. never inquired about those details. they knew only that i was the cam girl of their dreams and that was more than enough for them. this is no foundation for a stable relationship to be built. let alone one that endures. so i was always quick to throw these men in the trash. when i shared this experience with my friend, she agreed and mentioned that she got lucky with her husband because he’s both present and supportive. which, in a man, seems to be rare.“he’s stubborn, but he accepts me.” she said.

accepting her meant doing the shared work that constitutes building a life. especially one with a child. her story reminded me of a book i picked up at the library last year on parenting: all the rage: mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership. my biggest takeaway from that book is that women who are traditional (meaning they did not expect their husbands to help with child rearing) and men who are egalitarian (meaning they do expect to help with child rearing) have the most equality when it came to parenting—at least, according to them. after all, perception is reality.

my friend has worked tirelessly to create a beautiful life for her daughter and her family. but she noticed that if she wanted to advanced, which meant travel every other week, late nights, and enduring a male-dominated environment as the sole women on the team, she had to spend more and more time away from her daughter. “i have a friend and we started at the same level. i’ve seen him completely surpass me.” how did he go up so fast? he had the capacity to do the additional work required for his next level (the constant travel, the working late, etc). conversely, her daughter was young and she didn't want to be away from her for too long. so he soared and she choose to take positions with more flexibility but lower ceilings.

this narrative is not new. countless books, studies, and anecdotes have been shared on how women navigate family and career. when i was younger, i would always hear the women around me emphasizing the importance of choosing a man that is a partner, not just a husband. someone who would be there. both present and supportive. as a child, i had no idea what this meant and it wasn't until i became a professional, contending with my own desires for family and dating both serious and unserious men, that i realized what the women who came ahead of me meant:

when we’re young, we have time on our side. our runways allows for a compounding effect on our efforts. this is why our 20s are referred to as “the defining decade.” if you’re lucky, you accomplish things in your 20s that pay dividends for the rest of your life. or, at least, the next 25. that’s the idea, at least.

this means there’s a weight to the decisions we make today. not to say they’re not reversal, but we should make decisions with the end in mind. or, if all goes left, with a built-in exit strategy. for women, this is financial freedom. economic independence is the last frontier for all human beings and the only one that matters for women. in thinking about the necessity of financial freedom, i always think of the character celeste from big little lies (as an aside, this substack post did an excellent breakdown on how reese witherspoon has created an empire from her book club; the very one where she handpicked big little lies to produce for hbo).

celeste is a women suffering physically at the hands of her husband and the one of her few means of escape is a separate apartment she purchases at the behest of her therapist. financial freedom was one of the key drivers of celeste breaking free from the life she had with her husband and her wealth was able to protect her from his toxicity and harm.

i’ve harped on the never-ending cycle of our present social-media self improvement culture; where countless video after post after video is a guru schilling the latest get-rich-in-six-months scheme. but perhaps the gurus are onto something: money is the answer. at the very least, it serves as a get-out-of-jail free card that allows us to uno-reverse our way out of any decision. say, a horrific marriage. a tragic job. toxic roommates. the list goes on because life can be hard.

despite the bitter kisses life can litter throughout our lives, we, few but proud, diouana women understand that we make our own luck. circumstances be damned. this luck is the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution. or whatever aristotle said.

we bring this attitude when we decide our careers, our partners, and the means in which we’ll generate enough money to protect us from choices gone left. but remember, there are no right decisions, only decisions made right. so, even if it goes left, just uno-reverse and keep on riding.

sweet dreams,

a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

i am beginning a new section in my nightly posts titled truth or dare. it’s a simple curated list of ideas and items i’ve engaged with today that i loved and am sharing with you. the truths were 10/10, so i must recommend. and the dares were not so great, so it’s me saying don’t do it. but only if you dare. get it? great. let’s begin:

truth: multi-generational friendships. bffs 4 life.

truth: this is an aside, but i do think there’s something to be said about choosing family over an exponential career. serena williams comes to mind. but then again, why do women have to choose only one?

dare: none x