before the year is over, do this one thing

so you can live your best life

introduction: can women really have it all?

i used to be a woman who thought my ambition would steal everything i care about away from me. that the high standards, audacious dreams, and seemingly impossible goals i set for myself, just for the thrill of knowing i can, indeed, have anything i want in this life, would take me away from a fundamental truth: love above all.

love of family. love of children. love of hearth.

i used to believe that my vision of being a happy and seemingly submissive (emphasis on the seemingly) wife with enough children to liven up even the lengthiest of intercontinental rides on a embraer lineage 1000e to and from a family abode that requires each of them have a bell so i don’t lose track of where they are as they spread out on the estate would be reduced, if not eviscerated, by my ambition. what’s funny is that, without my ambition, i don’t see this vision manifesting itself into reality.

and if we’re being honest. it’s less the ambition, and more the audacity.

as a young woman who desires children, a husband, and a rich familial life, yet continues to look up to older women like dambisa moyo, delphine arnault, and even christine legarde, for the height of their achievements and their undeniable poise, it feels almost paradoxical. if not oxymoronic.

and i say this due to the ways in which i’ve seen corporate life, and even witnessed public life, play itself out. in any client-facing business, even one as seemingly benign as a substack, the client comes first. this typically means children, and family, come after.

but. this doesn’t have to be the case. although it often is. it doesn’t have to be.

i’m one of those people who believes that if you want something bad enough, you’ll find a way to make it work. work, family, and rest. you’ll find a way to make it mesh.

and the thing that should be made clear, is that our responsibilities as adults is not simply to pay the bills. fiscal responsibility does not adulthood make. i’m sure there are many among us who have been financially solvent for years. even before biological adulthood. so the ability to cover the tab is not what makes one an adult.

adulthood is about living a rich life. by rich, i mean textured. layered with the flavors, memories, and moods of our souls. an imprint of our soul. an echoing of our soul. that’s what adulthood is about: brining to life what we always wanted, in the ways we always wanted. it’s a big responsibility, which is why it’s typically adults who achieve it: because we have the emotional maturity (ideally) and fiscally capacity (ideally) to make it so. adulthood is the land of dreams. yet, people see it, and treat it, as a burden after burden after burden.

and maybe that is the case. for you. but for me, and women who think like me. those few, but oh so proud, diouana women, adulthood is where we’re finally able to play the game.

in my game of life, i get to be an ambitious, audacious woman with a reaaaaallly big heart. and i know it sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth of the matter. my heart desires family, children, and the soothing love that comes from that. my mind wants to take over the world. and i used to think these two things were at odds with another. that i couldn’t be an ambitious, audacious woman with a rich family life. but i was wrong.

now, have i been proven wrong? meaning, am i an ambitious, audacious woman with a rich family life currently? not necessarily. for starters, i don’t have children (yet). or a husband (we’re working on that). but i have what i’ve always had: vision. and the work ethic to follow through.

but more than vision. and way more than work ethic. what i have now, as an adult woman, is the understanding of a fundamental truth: one cannot be all things to all men. additionally, it’s better to spread things out than try to hit them all at once.

what do i mean by this?

i’ve come to terms with who, what, how, why i am. it’s freeing to stand in your truth. and your faults. whatever they may be. i’ve also come to terms with that fact that incredible things take time.

it took me 10 years to get into harvard. it’s laughable to assume that any other equally audacious, seemingly impossible goal would take significantly less time to execute and achieve.

and this realization is a very, very good thing. it’s joyous news to diouana women worldwide.

why?

because it means you have time. we have time.

remember, time lends itself to you once you trust it.

and you trust time by simply taking your time to do things properly the first time. or maybe even the second, or third, time around. we all can’t be perfect.

so, if you’re like me and you want it all, too, here’s my advice: learn to take your time. learn to move slowly, but execute quickly. learn to sit in the seat of self mastery. even if it takes you yeeaaaaaaars.

to some, this might be unsexy advice. in an algorithm-driven culture, instant is the new god. but here’s my rebuttal: instant is bullshit and it will lead you to making mistakes.

serendipity is what you’re mistaking instant for. but serendipity is fleeting because it’s a gift from the gods. that’s you why you have to be prepared, at all times, to capitalize on opportunities as they come. this depth of preparation takes time. which is why, it is advisable to simply take your time.

and for me, this means not cramping all of my desires and wishes into one decade. so, yes, i will have the rich family life i envision. just not with children in the mix yet.

motherhood can be something i begun to experience in my early 30s. therefore, my 20s can be for embracing my ambition and getting to work on what will become the foundation of my life. that way, when i enter my next decade, i can focus on the next set of experiences i want to have, children included, and let go of what no longer fits. and so forth and so on.

that is what it means to trust time. you move with it, not forcibly against it. nothing likes being forced. least not time.

time + strategy = wins after wins after consecutive wins

i’m not the first person to tell you to take your time. that’s been great advice since the 70s. the hippies understood perfectly that time is an illusion. and it was only in taking his time, that the og hippe himself, steve jobs, was able to stumble upon apple.

but taking your time does not mean you shouldn’t be serious about your life. the opposite actually.

if you ever come to me for advice, the first thing i’m going to ask you is, “what do you want?”

do you know why? because it’s the only question that matters.

don’t get me wrong. i’m not a fan of hyper-individualism that cuts against communal love or familial support. like i said, no one makes it on their own.

“what do you want?” is the only question that matters because it is my belief that in you getting what you want, you’ll be content. which is actually different from being happy.

being happy is in the moment. being content is not needing to go any further.

you can be happy and still want to keep going. you can be content, realize you are no longer happy, and stop everything just to focus on learning the meaning of life again.

now, my advice about focusing on what you actually want is to make you realize that there are no limits in this life.

for example, there are companies with billions of assets that are being managed by a handful of people. some 40. maybe 50. that’s basically the idea that infinity is being managed by what the u.s. bureau of labor statistics calls “a small business.” because those 40-50 people cannot mentally fathom or count up to a billion’s worth of anything, outside of the numbers on their spreadsheet. and collectively they manage a couple billion, maybe even hundreds of billions of assets. so, if these small groups of people can manage infinity, as their corporate job, you can manage to make your dreams come true.

it’s about understanding that there are no limits in this life. both good and bad. there’s nothing stopping you.

and the importance of beginning with the end in mind, at least the end you can currently envision, it take it reroutes the synapses in your brain to think about possible paths from where you are to where you want to be instead of thinking about any and all obstacles that may come your way.

you may have time, but you have no time to waste on useless emotions such as self-doubt. i say this because self-doubt is not a useful emotion. so, therefore, should not be used. i feel the same way about shame. it’s a waste of your time to feel this emotion. unless you caused legitimate and irreversible damage to someone that they will never be rid of you, feel ashamed for 60 seconds, vow to never repeat that action, and move on.

the past is the past.

and the current requires you to take it seriously enough to do what has been asked for you. which is, to put forth your best efforts. and, of course, this will look different day-to-day and week-to-week. but the idea is that you never give up on yourself. and most importantly, you never talk down to yourself. this is a useless and harmful habit, so rid yourself of it. quickly.

and understanding that you’ll never give up on yourself, and that you’ll always give your best efforts, means that you free yourself from societal pressures.

to be less ambitious. less audacious. become a woman who tolerates and is satisfied with less.

to being a woman afraid of her own shadow. her own body. her progression in this cosmic game called life.

there’s nothing to be afraid of you.

i understand that we live in chaotic times. we do. we even live in trumpian times. but none of that even matters. because you live in your personal reality, and i live in mine.

and i have this theory of multiple realities. my theory states that even though many people can share the same liminal space, be it a college, a corporate office, or a country, each person can have a different experience of the same set of circumstances, context, or confines.

we can be exactly the same in terms of race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, creed, martial status, and age and experience the same set of circumstances differently. you knew this already, of course, because one you’re smart and two i write in platitudes, but the point is. it’s less about the circumstances you find yourself in, and more about what you do with those circumstances.

that’s what separates the wheat from the chaff. strategy. and a damn good one.

to master strategy, you need to constantly be in a state of situational awareness. you must understand, even if it’s only at a surface level, what’s going on around you at all times. i don’t mean in the world. paying too much attention to the world around you is how you get distracted and taken off your path. no, i mean you must understand what’s unfolding in your personal reality. in your world. in your office, if you go to one. in your household. with your in-laws. even with the price of tea in china, if you’re a big tea drinker and you plan to import them because trump’s (supposed) tariffs will make them financially inconvenient for you. and what would tariffs, which are basically consumer taxes, mean for your free cash flow and your ability to invest? these series of questions is what i mean when i say situational awareness. it’s the original definition of woke. not the hollow harbinger of progress white liberals culturally appropriated it to be (an essay for another time).

now that you have your strategy, that has been informed by the astute observations of your own personal reality, get your ducks in a row. then be patient. and make sure your ducks continue to align.

this is how i plan to use my ambition to give me the motherhood, wifehood, and damehood (i’m being facetious here but not really; like i said, dambisa is an inspiration), i want.

i’ve always known that my 20s would be the defining decade of my adult life. i believe i did exactly what i needed to do as a older child and teenager, which was dream reaaallly, really big and not falter from that dream. although it turned out to be a nightmare. and now, i’m doing what i need to do as a young adult, which is work. hard. but not too hard. long. but not for too long. i am a diouana woman after all.

and to my previous statement of, “i believe black women deserve: rest, beauty, love, and luxury.” i continue to hold this statement as gospel (and all women deserves these things). but what i know to be a fundamental truth is that the only women that have personal power on this planet, outside of those with institutional power, are those who are able to say “no.” usually to a man. but certainly to a situation not to their liking. or standards.

and in order to develop this personal power for yourself, you need to create a life where you can direct outcomes. meaning, if you’re in a relationship and it’s not going where you want it to go, you need to be able to leave. meaning, you’re not locked in a lease you can’t afford by yourself. more than the financial, you need to be emotional independent enough to love someone but be able to walk away if you recognize they’re not good for you. spiritually. mentally. emotionally. and especially for towards your future.

and as young women, all we have is our future.

society will lie to you, and tell you all you have is your youth. and your beauty. you may have those things, but it’s not all you have. you have your future. and that is your greatest asset. which is why you protect it like your life depends on it. because your life does. to live a bombastic lifestyle in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and weeeelllll into your stephen schwarzman years, you need to execute in your 20s. and honestly beginning in your teens. that said, it’s never, ever too late to start anything. so you can be 50 today and still live bombastically in your 70s. like i said, there are no limits in this life. anything, if you want it bad enough, is possible.

now, remember what i said: do not dorian gray yourself into success. you must retain your soul. you must protect your essence. so, do not betray yourself or your values. remember what dostoevsky said, “your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.” and if you ask me, if you’re going to betray yourself, it needs to pay. and even then, was it worth it? like, are you not embarrassed that you sold your values so cheaply?

bringing it back to the matter at hand: if you are a woman with strategy, and time (and we all have time), all you need is patience and you’ll get what you want.

you should be patient, even when you don’t want to be

patience is the ultimate platitude. don’t you just want to slap someone who tells you to be patient? sometimes i do. it depends on the situation.

but here’s the thing. violence is never the answer. obviously. and patience usually is.

and the thing about patience is that to make it tenable, you simply need to reframe your thinking. change your mindset. from restricted to free.

instead of viewing a course of action that slows down your timeline as a negative, you would view that as a positive because it gives you more time to perfect whatever craft it is that needs to be perfected.

instead of viewing rejections as a sign the gods no longer favor you, you view them as redirections to what you to exactly where it is you need to be in that moment of your life.

i read a photo of a tweet, which was meta in a younger millennial / older gen z type of way, and it spoke of the fact that spiritual protection does not mean that life is easy and all doors open simply because you knock. no. instead, it means hearing a lot of no and facing a lot of rejections until you arrive at the right opportunity. that’s spiritual protection.

my mother always tells me that anything done instantly, or achieved instantly, or promised to be rendered instantly is likely the work of the devil. and we can see this in our own social-algo-cultures.

what happens, usually, when people go viral? does it do anything positive for them? if they’re prepared, yes. if they were caught off guard, no.

if you’re a small business owner who’s been posting relentlessly on social media because you’re proud of your wares and you know you’re only a favorable algo-ride away from virality, you’re make sure your inventory is ready for when that time comes. the founder of odd muse speaks of this routinely. your inventory is your cash.

now, if you’re just posting. literally shit posting. going viral may not help you because you don’t know how to sustain it because that was actually never the goal. so now you’re running to catch a ride that has already passed you by. an example of this is the hawk tuah (?) girl. when she went viral, there were people who started selling t shirts before she even organized herself to open up an instagram account. she wasn’t ready. and what good does it do her to forever be associated with what amounts to a sex joke? monica will tell you it has not been fun.

and i think the best example of all, when it comes to getting something you want, or at least a very favorable circumstance, before you’re ready to maintain it is meghan markle. many dissertations, and tabloids, have been written about this woman. and i don’t meant to add to that cannon. but what i do what to bring light to is that meghan wasn’t ready for royal life. racist allegations aside (and it’s not that i don’t believe her, it’s just that if you tell me you would have stayed in a racist environment if they had treated you better, the environment must not have been that racist to begin with because what kind of logic is that?), she wasn’t wiling to understand, or undertake, humility as a strategy. or the fact that sometimes it isn’t about you, but the institution that you now represent. and that sounds stifling. and it is. which is why i understand why she wanted no parts. but she got to marry a prince, so sometimes it’s best to just be grateful for the cards we’re dealt. even if, upon further inspection, it’s not that good of a hand.

so, patience, is one of those things that matters. it matters because patience elevates strategy into an inevitable end. patience allows us to maintain our faith as we go about doing our seemingly banal daily tasks. patience allows us to romantize the process. and it’s the process that gives us the progress. the big, splashy goals are exhilarating in their moment of achievement. but then the high drops. and we’re left with a question, “well, what do i do now?”

and to that, i ask you, “what do you want?”

sweet dreams,
a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: being patient, even when it’s painful.

dare: doing too much. that’s the best way to blow up your spot.