warning: this article contains references to graphic materials and content.
you haven’t earned the right (just yet)
being humble will afford you the life you want. you want to be powerful? appear small. worry not, there’ll come a time when it’s your turn to shine. right now, shine the shoes of others and watch your blessings unfold.
i am convinced that people do not appreciate pride in a woman. i am even more convinced that people do not appreciate pride in a beautiful woman. let’s not even talk about what unfolds when that woman happens to be black. in the words of a college friend, “people hate when black people don’t know they’re black.”
that said, this is not an essay on the intertextuality1 of being both beautiful and black. or the impact both of those things have on your womanhood. no. this essay is hunting different game. as such, this essay is meant to be more of a treatise, a working theory so to speak, on what power actually looks like for young women in a world that does not appreciate pride in a woman.
king richard and princess venus
can you tell me the difference between being haughty, arrogant, or just confident in your abilities? can you tell me the difference between being delusionally narcissistic (“delulu is the solulu”), having faith that all things will work out for you, and just being plain lucky? can you tell me the difference between having pretty privilege, being beautiful, and having enough self-regard for your own self-worth that people that just treat you the way, and at the level, you treat yourself?
what’s the difference? there is no difference. it’s all subjective. that’s half the fun. but that’s where all your pitfalls lie. it’s within that subjectivity. the trick, really the rules of engagement, is to not fall into those pitfalls. aka don’t get high off your own supply. aka maintain a dialogue with reality.2
remember, we live in a world that does not appreciate pride in a woman. don’t just take my word for it, let’s deconstruct exactly what i mean.
pride is interesting, right, because we all recognize that it’s a sin. one ought’t be too prideful. if at all. but who’s to say what’s too much?
i think often about that interview venus williams did in her youth where the interviewer was taken aback, if not offended, that such a young girl would have such pride in her ability to win her match. i always find such relief, if not a bit of haunting, in venus’ father’s response to the interviewer and his insistency on understanding why such a young girl would even think she could win. in interrupting the interview, richard says to the interviewer:
“she said it with so much confidence the first time. but you keep going on and on. you’ve got to understand that you’re dealing with the image of a 14-year-old child…when she say something, we done told you what’s happening. you’re dealing with a little black kid, and let her be a kid. she done answered it with a lot of confidence. leave that alone!”
what haunts me about richard’s censure of the interviewer, is that he understands perfectly what pitfall venus could fall into if that man succeeds at what he is trying to do to a 14-year-old little girl. which is rattle her.
that man wants to crush venus’ confidence. was she haughty? was she arrogant? was she delusionally narcissistic? what was it about venus’ confidence in her own abilities; her faith that the match would end in her favor; her genuine self-regard that perturbed that man so much?
why did an adult man have such a negative reaction to the positivity, and yes, confidence, emanating, from a little girl? maybe venus, in that interview, forgot she was black, and black little girls are not suppose to be confident. maybe that was her faux pas. and in making that mistake—thinking she’s actually good at her craft; that she’s worthy of winning a match given how much she’s practiced—the white interviewer had to set her straight. thus he begins to question her, and subliminally, her self-esteem. but richard was having none of that. why? because in allowing that interviewer to continue his line of questioning would mean to allow him to attempt to destroy the self-image of a 14-year-old girl. a child. and richard was not about to let that happen. especially not to his little girl.3
as young adult women, we need to be our own richards. you cannot allow anyone to rattle you. you mustn’t allow anyone to subliminally attack your self-esteem. although we are no longer children, we must remain vigilant with ourselves and protect ourselves the same way richard protected 14-year-old venus.
nancy and the concubines
now that we understand, albeit with some selection bias, that we do not live in a world that appreciates pride in a woman, let alone confidence in a young girl, what are we to do? how are we to conduct ourselves in these circumstances?
i have two words for you: nancy pelosi.
i recently read an article on nancy and my takeaway is my current working theory that power is not a young woman’s game. at least, not institutional power. even thinking about it more broadly, and especially against the background of this societal mythology that the most powerful time in a woman’s life is when she’s under the age of 25, this theory provides a new way of seeing, being, and most importantly, moving.
i began this article with the statement that being humble will afford you the life you want. putting aside the question of what exactly it is you want, i am making the assumption that you’ll need some type of power to get it. both institutional and interpersonal.
we understand that in the history of patriarchy, especially as it concerns the institution of marriage, the conventional wisdom to women has always been to “marry rich.” this advice was given due to the mental, and societal, calculation, that a wealthy man will have enough institutional power to protect you, and by extension, the children you two share. marriage, back in the day, was a power play. and to some extent, it still is.
my definition has always been that power as a woman is the ability to say no. especially to a man. this is interpersonal power. now, the ability to say no to a broader set of people, places, and things is institutional power. to really thrive on this earth, and inherit the soil matthew 5:5 promises you, you need both. then the question becomes, “well, how do i get institutional power?”
ask nancy pelosi.
before we get to asking nancy, i want to tell you a story. it’s become a bit of a parable in certain literary-philosophical circles:
the story goes that once upon a time there was a general asked by the emperor to prove his military strategy prowess by training his concubines into soldiers. following the emperor’s orders, the general rounds up all the concubines into the court’s gymnasium and divides them equally into two camps each headed by a captain; the two being the emperor’s favorite concubines. (being a captain, in this case, was an honorific.) the general then proceeds to explain to the all concubines what the emperor has asked him to do. he shares with them a set of instructions. when he utters the phrase for them to begin and enact his instructions, they giggle and laugh and don’t take any of it seriously.
the general, thinking he had not explained his instructions adequately tells them again. this time in a simpler manner, hoping that his instructions make better sense. once again, he utters the phrase for the concubines to begin and once again, they giggle and laugh and don’t take any of it seriously. now that he has explained his instructions twice, and twice the concubines have not heeded, the general understands that the women are not serious and therefore he must make them take this exercise seriously.
so he calls forward the two captains, the emperor’s favorites, and proceeds to decapitate them.4 he replaces them with two other concubines and begins the exercise once more. this time, the concubines follow the general’s instructions flawlessly. thus, the general has successfully made soldiers out of concubines. it is said, that although the general did exactly what the emperor asked him to do, the death of his favorite concubines depressed the emperor’s mood and he was unable to eat for some time.5
life is that gymnasium and there will be times where a general that has been appointed in your life by circumstance (say a manager or a boss or even a colleague that has more seniority than you) will decapitate someone in front of you to prove a point. figuratively speaking, of course. they might even try to decapitate you. figuratively speaking, of course.
to survive this gymnasium with your head intact, you must ensure that whatever general has been appointed in your life never gets the opportunity to use you to prove a point.
how, you ask? you have to be humble.
when we’re young, and we are tasked with creating our lives in our imagination, we must abide by the rules, both written and unwritten, of the institutions we need to go through, or go up, in order to be where we want to be in life.
do you understand?
i mean to say, that when you’re a beautiful, intelligent, and hardworking young woman on her way, everyone knows it. sometimes, you may be the only one that doesn’t know it. and to those who do know it, some may take offense. and in their offense, some might seek your head. either by decapitation, figuratively speaking, or emotional warfare (bullying by another name). in order to survive the cruelty of those who derive genuine pleasure from making the lives of those around them harder by being emotionally abhorrent (bullies by another name), we must appear to be humble. and more than that, we must genuinely be unbothered by them. and as we do so, we move in silence, we learn the lessons of life, we consolidate power, and we push towards our dream life.
you think life begins at 18, or 25, or whenever society tells you you’re really hot and young. no. life begins when you have the power to direct the events you want to occur in your life. life begins when you’re able to tell people no, and not suffer any consequences for doing so. and until you’re able to do that, your task as a beautiful, intelligent, hardworking woman is to hustle until you can.
this was a painful lesson for me to learn. i still struggle with this lesson. but the moments in my past where i did not appear humble, nor seem to be abiding by unspoken rules, were the moments where i left an opening for generals to use me to prove a point. these moments cost me my head.
lucky for me, rebirth has always been an option.
what being humble means, and looks like, will differ based on what gymnasium you currently find yourself in. to provide an illustration of the fruit, that being power, that humility paradoxically bears, i want to give you an example of a woman that has survived every single gymnasium she’s been in to the point where she’s become the general and she decapitates in order to prove not just a point, but the point.
let’s (finally) talk about nancy pelosi.
that article i read on the speaker emerita, an honorific created solely for her (again, showing the extent to which nancy has not only survived but thrived in every gymnasium she’s ever been in), left me so enthralled that i checked out her latest book, the art of power from the library. “the art of power” really is a title befitting a historic figure who has had a historically significant career.
when it comes to institutional power, and the ability to wield said power to affect events to a meaningful degree, no one is touching nancy. certainly not on the subtlety front.
to drive this home, take this quote from the article:
“when during a july 10 interview on morning joe pelosi was asked about biden’s reluctance to give up the race, her answer was considered by many to be the final straw that forced him out. ‘it’s up to the president to decide if he’s going to run,” she said evenly for the cameras. ‘we’re all encouraging him to make that decision, because time is running short…. he’s beloved, he’s respected, and people want him to make that decision.’ she added, ‘i want him to do whatever he decides to do, and that’s the way it is. whatever he decides, we go with.’”
on the surface, nancy’s statement is innocuous. and that’s the point. the article points this out:
“drew hamill, pelosi’s former deputy chief of staff who worked for her for nearly two decades, thought it was classic pelosi. ‘i think the morning joe interview was not a nudge. i think there’s a difference between a firm nudge and a grandmother asking after a decision has been made, ‘have you made the best decision?’ that’s the level of subtlety we’re at here…. the brilliance of her power is the art of subtlety, and that doesn’t always come through in sound bites.’”
from the quote above, it appears that nancy has the aura of a grandmother. and in my reading of this article, she also seems to possess the same the ruthlessness that sun tzu had in that gymnasium teaching those concubines to be soldiers.
in her conduct, does she have the air of being haughty, arrogant, or just confident in her abilities? in her being a key figure in the campaign, according to that article, that persuaded a sitting united states president to exit his own reelection campaign, did she come across as a woman who does not know her place? or is she a woman that has earned the right to even think of doing something like that? and consequently, a woman that has the institutional power to pull off such a coup?
who’s to say, and who’s to know.
that said, i love how that article ends, because it perfectly capsulated what lady macbeth said to her husband, “look like th’ innocent flower, but be the serpent under’t.” now compare lady macbeth’s advice to nancy’s advice:
“you take a punch, but you have to be willing to throw a punch. for the children.”
richard was ready to throw down over venus. over the self-image of a 14-year-old girl. because he understood that if that gets disturbed, or destroyed, in any way, there will be lasting consequences in venus’ life, and her ability to play tennis, as a result. nancy understands protecting the future of her country necessitates throwing a few punches. even towards towards those within her own political party. so it goes.
take inspiration from both richard and nancy and consider how you protect your self-image. how you protect your future.
should there be circumstances in your life that seem, at present, insurmountable, please know that you will prevail. please know that you can, and will, move forward. just take that first step by getting over any fear that may be blocking you.
and as you progress, and you become powerful evermore, please do not forget the eternal words of toni morrison who said, “if you can only be tall when someone else is on their knees, then you have a serious problem.”
do not cut people at their knees. or even go after their head. leave that to dominion of god. the best revenge is living well and forgetting they ever existed.
instead, take with you the promises of matthew 5:5: “god blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.”
be humble and continue to toil on the soil you are set to inherit. perhaps not now. but when you’re an older woman and have earned the right to do as you please.
sweet dreams,
a diouana woman
p.s. truth or dare
this section is a curated list of ideas and items i’ve engaged with recently that i’ve loved. the truths were 10/10, so i must recommend. and the dares were not so great, so it’s me saying don’t do it. but only if you dare. get it? great. let’s begin:
truth: seek passive revenge. let go, and let god.
dare: being a bully. life is hard as it is, why torture people?
for those who have read dr. crenshaw’s mapping the margins and assume that i meant to write intersectionality here, i did not. i explicitly chose intertextuality as my operative word because i do not see being black and beautiful as disadvantages; which would be the underline assumption had i written intersectionality instead given that its definition can be paraphrased as “all oppression is linked.” in choosing intertextuality, i’m aligning my perspective / treatise / theory with w.e.b. du bois’ theory of double consciousness but not really as i take a more explicitly west african-and-female / womanist slant on the subject. in a later essay, i will explain what i mean by this.
when i think about reality, or mention anything related to being in touch with reality, i think of that video of dr. umar (i know) where he says, “…some of you don’t live in reality…” and his enunciation of the word “reality” takes me out every time. this lecture is also where his famous “FOR GOOD!” bit came from. if you need another dr. umar laugh, please watch this video. as a quick aside on dr. umar, there is an essay to be written about how the inflammatory remarks (there really is no better way to describe it) that this man says is sort of spiritual successor to franz fanon’s black skin, white masks. which is fascinating to me because the latter has been fully accepted by the academy and the former is (rightfully) labeled a hotep. food for thought.
i think part of my haunting in rewatching richard’s reaction is that it allows for a moment that seems to rately happen, which is the anti-adultification of young black girls. so often, as seen in various types of media, black girls are made to seem older and “mature for their age” or are not given the same grace one would afford a child. so it’s beautiful, if not a bit haunting (in a toni morrison sense) to watch richard protect venus so.
cinephiles will find parallels between this and o-ren ishii, lucy liu’s character in kill bill, silencing the skepticism of her fellow yakuza bosses.
this anecdote comes from peter harris’ translation of sun tzu’s military treatise, the art of war.
I enjoyed reading this